it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
