in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
