He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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