Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just blew my weed a kiss
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
