I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize