So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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