I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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