I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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