I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
