My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I still have a little drunk in my system
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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