So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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