you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
