someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize