he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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