Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
