so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Randomize
