I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
