I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
