I puked a lego.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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