I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
