its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
