i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
where are you?
Hypothermia
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
