We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
