u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
