Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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