you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
