youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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