Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
