I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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