New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
