Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I have tasted many bathrooms
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
