all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
