It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
