you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
