Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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