Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
