last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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