sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize