I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
