For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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