i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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