WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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