Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
