if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
