she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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