The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
