The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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