I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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