I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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