Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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