Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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