I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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