Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize