I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
