Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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