If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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