I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
